You Can’t Pray the Gay Away — And the Church Needs to Stop Trying

I recently read a book about a group in New York called Aesthetic Realism. It was essentially a cult that believed — and taught — that gay people could be “cured” through a mix of philosophy, shame, and conformity.

Their view? That same-sex attraction was just a warped way of thinking. That with the right moral instruction, people could be trained into heterosexuality.

As wild as that may sound… I didn’t find it shocking.
Because I was raised in a church that taught the same thing — just dressed up in different theology.

I grew up Seventh-day Adventist. And within that world, ministries like Coming Out Ministries were lifted up as examples of “God’s redemptive power.” Their message was simple: with prayer, Bible study, and discipline, gay people could overcome their sexuality — or at least commit to a life of celibacy.

I remember listening to testimonies and silently wondering:
Can people really change? Should they have to?

Now, years later, I know the truth:

You can’t deconvert someone from who they are.

There is no therapy, no doctrine, no prayer circle powerful enough to erase someone’s queerness — because it's not something that needs to be erased.

What does happen instead is trauma.

So many LGBTQ+ people raised in high-control religions internalize the message that they are broken, shameful, or “less than” in God’s eyes.

These aren’t harmless beliefs. They become wounds. Wounds that show up as anxiety, depression, disconnection from the body, spiritual panic attacks, even suicidality.

That’s not love.
That’s not Jesus.
That’s spiritual abuse.

And while the messaging has softened in some circles — “we love the sinner, not the sin” — the damage is the same. Because at its core, the message remains: You’re only acceptable if you change.

But here’s what I want every queer person reading this to know:

🧡 Your identity is not a sin.
🧡 Your love is not shameful.
🧡 Your body is not a battleground.
🧡 Your existence is not a mistake.

You were never the problem.
The theology was.

If you’ve been harmed by this kind of messaging — if you're still unpacking the confusion, shame, or spiritual scars — you don’t have to do it alone.

I’m a religious trauma coach, and I work with LGBTQ+ individuals and allies who are ready to heal, reclaim their identity, and build a spiritual life rooted in truth, love, and autonomy.

🕊️ Book a free discovery call to explore if this work is right for you.

Or follow me on Instagram and TikTok for more support during Pride Month and beyond.

You deserve to be safe. You deserve to be whole. You deserve to belong — just as you are.

With compassion,
Kristi